Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.