You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I have a black belt in leather
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]