nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.