Still a very good boi….
You Might Also Like
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Omg 🤣
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
honestly, i need both:
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.