dogs can find happiness so easily
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors