If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You Might Also Like
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Whoa 😂
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow