i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Happy Friday
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]