The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Autocorrect completely socks
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app