[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
You Might Also Like
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Blew my mind.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.