Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.