John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
You Might Also Like
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Become ungovernable.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..