Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink