“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent