Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions