So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Based Erika
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.