Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
not seeing the problem
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.