Can. I. Help. You.
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.