I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
HOW DARE YOU
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.