They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024