A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.