At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Not messing around
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.