What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.