*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Cannot stop laughing at this
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The three genders
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
@ candidates for local office
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?