When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.