Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it