barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood