I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
That 👊
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi