A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
You Might Also Like
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The best shot in the history of golf