Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Do not levitate over flowers
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37