Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
You Might Also Like
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Who says great literature is dead?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
step 6: release the wall snake