*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You Might Also Like
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
How funny!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?