My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?