When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
You Might Also Like
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED