Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The only time I’ll care about Basketball: