Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Whoa 😂
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*