if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I hope Alan is OK
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.