Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”