Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.