Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids