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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.