Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
This could be us… but you playing
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch