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Me: Same.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.