[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.