Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
two people or more is called a problem
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so