One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Europe. Made in Germany.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.