You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
apparently this year was written by stephen king
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*