Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.