The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️