Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries