i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores